To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.- Friedrich Nietzsche
Coupled with low self-esteem as stated before in earlier articles, another well-known enemy of mine was indecisiveness. My fire inside was generally pretty dim except for when it was sparked by being thrust into moments of life that force you to engage. Honestly, I learned early on I thrived most in situations like these. It always seemed that when I’d sink low, I’d get the best results from myself. Sure enough, after a while, I realized this strategy was not only daunting but a lure to self-defeatism.
Time after time I’d find myself in pursuit of a heartfelt idea or goal only to quit due to rejection. Most of all, rejection from myself when approaching road bumps along the way. I can say as younger adults we tend to expect things from ourselves and the world in unnatural ways. Hinse instant gratification era in full effect but that another topic. If things didn’t go as I saw them in my head I would assume I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t understand the world says “NO” more than the famed response “YES”. The reality that the best stories I’ve had and heard come from the unexpected good or bad.
This of course stemmed from my childhood, at a time where most of us were taught to search outside ourselves to find the truth. I like many were products of institutionalized misguided caretakers. Simply spreading a dis-ease in the form of mental enslavement to the idea that who you really are is not enough to compete. These ideals are all means to countless children led to be adults who hit that wall of “WHO AM I” and “Why am I doing this”. Valid questions we look to ask of those who have yet to awaken from their slumber. This in turn pushed me to abandon my self-identity quickly to adapt and fit in with the sheep.
As a child and teenager, the main thing you want is to fit in. Like the bullies, family members hold much power over such fragile and developing minds. We take their words to heart in faith that our best interest is at heart when in reality they don’t have a clue of their own. Misguided minds create misdirection in my opinion. As a young man, I found it hard to break free from many opinions of my elders. I looked for mother and father figures in these people subconsciously and followed their everyone command.
The Path of least resistance
This led to an identity crisis on numerous occasions when I’d found myself living another person's expectations. No matter how hard I tried to pretend to be some else, the real me would always emerge with fierce rebellion. I began to adopt the “Take the best and reject the rest” standpoint after a while as the spirit pushed me to stand firm in my convictions. It wasn’t until I answered the call grace was bestowed. The ability to see and hear words and their vessels for their true form. Rather than laws of power placed upon me by those “who know not what they do” the bonds dissipated.
As I began to honor myself I honored others from a deep place of understanding. I have always had the ability to let things go, I simply choose to see deeper into why it is so. On many occasions, I fought it because I felt like an owed victim. I would think why should I forgive someone without an apology first. Thinking this way was the very reason life seemed like a battle I was never meant to win. Delving within throughout these years of self-development has taught me many things…
- You are what you seek
- We are all reflections of each other
- Teamwork makes the dream work
- Selflove is true love
- You are what you think about
- There is a reason behind everything, “Knock and it shall be opened unto you”
- We are not always in control, nor do I want to be it’s fun that way
- I’ve learned nothing more than exceptional common sense from observation, gratitude, grace, empathy, and self-awareness
- Sharing is caring
Fools will laugh at me but the wise will understand — Alan Watts
In short, the more I became close to my subconscious programming and repressed emotions. I began to do as I had always done without being forced to. That is being myself without the conditions from those that only serve to hinder me from my highest good. None of this has been effortless or without constant emotional ups and downs but I can say there is a silver lining. Your history is to be learned from not repeated, chisel away at those walls that keep you caged in with doubt, fear, identity, etc. Live it how you like just love life and others while doing it!
Leave yourself open for the unexpected and it just may change your life! Take your power back and seek the help of others who can aid your journey! We are all warriors together! I believe in You!